


One last time

by PinkJasMink



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Bathing/Washing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i guess, mentions of titan!Erwin, nsfweruriweek is here, some sad feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 16:51:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7582126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkJasMink/pseuds/PinkJasMink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dread washes over Levi, nausea prickling in his guts when Erwin's blue eyes come to rest on his face, stare at him, into him, mercilessly. But he can't allow himself to fall apart now, not before he gave Erwin the explanation he deserves.<br/>"I made the choice," Levi whispers, his voice unusually thin, shaking for too many reasons at once. "I made the choice to save you, so you could save humanity."</p>
            </blockquote>





	One last time

**Author's Note:**

> chapter 83 feels

A single candle flickers on a little table standing next to a tub, the flame small with the candle nearly burned down. It's been standing there for hours, casting a slim shadow onto the wall while listening to the dreadful silence clinging to the room. Even now with the sun peeking through the windows, the only sounds to be heard are the quiet dripping of water and Levi's harsh breaths from where he kneels next to the tub, scrubbing Erwin's motionless body.

It's a slow process, the wet sponge dragging over Erwin's skin, rubbing away sweat, dirt and blood. The water in the tub is already filthy with what Levi scraped off, but he can't stop before he got everything. He's drained and refilled the tub several times now, but he can't stop scrubbing.

Erwin's chest rises and falls steadily when Levi moves the sponge over the smooth skin. It's warm, unfamiliar even though Levi's touched it so many times. He wants to tell Erwin for some reason, but his eyes are closed. They have been for a while.

Levi carried him here all the way and all the way, Erwin only opened his eyes a few times to let his gaze flicker around aimlessly. And ever since they've arrived, he hasn't opened them once. Levi would've feared for his life, if he didn't know better.

If he hadn't been the one to plunge the syringe into Erwin's flesh.

If he hadn't been there to watch him turn.

Levi notices he stopped scrubbing, his grip weak around the sponge on Erwin's skin, hands shaking. It feels wrong against Erwin's beating heart. Wrong when Levi should be thankful for the life running through Erwin's veins. But Levi can't shake it off yet. This dreadful feeling deep inside him.

He'd given Erwin up. For a moment, he thought he was dead.

And then he'd risen from the dead, in a cloud of thick, hot smoke.

Levi's never been more scared his entire life.

The image of Erwin turning, becoming the one thing they've been fighting all these years, seeing him with his gaping pit of a mouth swallowing Berthold whole, was the most terrifying thing Levi's ever seen. He never thought of Erwin as a monster and even though it's not the same, he can't shake off the thought, the image. He might've saved his Commanders life, but Levi feels as if he killed Erwin. This once where he had the chance to save a life that had already slipped through his fingers, this once where he could make up his mistake, the price feels too high.

Levi swallows the feeling down, trying to distract himself with scrubbing the sponge harshly over Erwin's skin. But the thought won't go away. Not when Levi stares at Erwin's body. His scars. All his scars that Levi saw and touched so many times, scars from wounds he treated himself, gone. The missing flesh following Erwin's right shoulder, the missing limb that had once held Levi so tightly, torn away, now rests on the rim of the tub, untouched, unscarred.

Levi shivers, swallows, and averts his gaze from Erwin's right arm. He can't stand the sight, not when he doesn't know yet, if Erwin will hate him for this. Instead, Levi moves, distracts himself with his motion of grasping for the soap. It smells faintly of cedar wood, Erwin's favourite.

Levi rubs the soap between his hands, collecting foam before he carefully guides his hands into Erwin's hair. They're still dripping from where Levi poured some water over Erwin's head earlier and Levi uses the wetness to spread the soap evenly, carefully massaging away the dirt.

Despite the roughness of the soap, Erwin's hair comes away soft and clean after Levi rinsed and washed it several times. He almost wants to do it again simply to have a reason to touch it, but he doesn't allow himself to linger since the strands are clean now. Instead Levi finally, carefully, turns towards Erwin's face.

His eyes are still closed, soft breaths parting his lips and Levi feels an ache deep inside him that even the touch of Erwin's skin against his fingertips can't heal. Not this time. Maybe, never again.

Levi swallows the words that threaten to leave his mouth and he pulls his hand away to pick up a washcloth. He dips it into the bowl of clean water standing next to the tub and brings it to Erwin's face slowly, carefully starting to dab away the dirt on his skin. It's nearly painful to watch Erwin's face like this, so peaceful when all they've seen those past hours, years even, was nothing but hell.

Most part of Erwin's forehead is clean from Levi washing his hair already, and he instead focuses on the man's cheeks. Once they're clean too, he guides the cloth down to Erwin's jaw, tracing the sharp line with more gentleness than he can justify. It makes Levi remember the little scar Erwin used to have on the skin over the sharp bone of his jaw right below his ear. Ridiculous enough, a cat scratched him when all he wanted to do was pet it. Erwin didn't hold a grudge, he fed it anyway, but the skin scarred. It was just the smallest hint of a scar, a thin, white line Levi only saw because he knew. But after carefully wiping the wet cloth over that spot, Levi doesn't see it any more. It's gone, like so many other things.

Suddenly, Erwin takes a sharp breath and Levi flinches away, startled, his eyes wide when he watches Erwin's eyes open slowly. He looks drowsy, but for the first time since he started the mission, Levi seems them focus, on him, the brilliant blue clear and alive.

Dread washes over Levi, nausea prickling in his guts when Erwin's blue eyes come to rest on his face, stare at him, into him, mercilessly. Levi feels like a child for a moment, the urge to run nearly impossible to ignore, but he's no longer innocent enough to do so. He knows he has an obligation towards Erwin. He can't leave him now with no explanation whatsoever. So Levi stays, frozen, his body breaking out in a cold sweat when Erwin parts his lips to say something.

"Levi," he says, voice thin and quiet and Levi cringes because Erwin sounds so _relieved_. He shouldn't be. Not now, not in this situation. But he even smiles, the corners of his mouth curling upwards weakly.

Levi wants to howl, but all he can do is swallow the nausea that threatens to overcome him. He can't allow himself to fall apart now, not before he gave Erwin the explanation he deserves.

It takes a moment, a moment for Erwin to realise something is not quite right. But even though he must be exhausted, he does notice quickly, his brows knitting in both worry and confusion when he scans Levi's face with his eyes.

"What's-" Erwin stops himself, eyes widening in surprise and disbelief.

Even now, after so much time, Erwin reaches out with his right arm. And where only his stump should twitch now, his arm extends towards Levi, appearing in his field of vision. Erwin's gaze snaps towards his limb in an instant, then to his other arm like he wants to make sure he's not confusing something. But they are both there, whole and unscathed.

Erwin exhales a shuddering breath, disbelief written all over his face, but then there's something else, a shadow, a ghost that darkens Erwin's features.

He's remembering.

Levi doesn't know what happened. He doesn't know to which point Erwin can remember, but when he looks at Levi again, his expression changed. He's flexing his right hand over the rim of the tub, holding on like he's still not entirely sure if he can trust his regained limb.

"What happened?" he finally asks, but something in his eyes tell Levi he knows. He knows, but he needs to hear it to really believe it.

"I made the choice," Levi whispers back, his voice unusually thin, shaking for too many reasons at once. "I made the choice to save you, so you could save humanity."

The words are raw and honest and Levi feels his throat burn with the meaning. Suddenly he wants to tell Erwin all about it, tell him why and how he decided, explain this horrible thing to him, but he doesn't get to it. Before Levi can even finish his thoughts, Erwin's arm moves, suddenly, quickly.

Levi doesn't see it coming. He hasn't seen Erwin's right arm in what feels like forever and when it does, Levi feels as if his mind is playing tricks on him. But Erwin does move it, the warm hand nestling into Levi's hair, cupping the back of his head so he can pull him closer.

Without mercy, Erwin pulls Levi into the tub, right into the filthy water onto his naked body. Levi flinches with the feeling of his clothes soaking up the water, but he feels too weak with emotion as to resist. So he falls, right into Erwin's arms, two strong hands on his back, two strong arms squeezing him tight, just like old times.

"I'm sorry you had to make that choice," Erwin whispers, his mouth close to Levi's ear. His wet hair brushes Levi's skin, but Erwin is wet all over, and now Levi is too. It feels disgusting how his clothes start sticking to his skin, but for some reason, Levi can't bring himself to care. Not now. Not when Erwin holds him close and tight with two arms, a feeling Levi had given up on completely. Even being remotely close like this, Levi didn't think it would happen ever again.

But Erwin holds him now, his skin warm against Levi, his breath soft on his lips when he kisses him. And even though part of Levi wants to pull away, he can't bring himself to do that. It feels too familiar, this dread in his bones mixed with the flavour of Erwin, the feeling of his warm tongue against Levi's when the smell of blood still sticks in his nose. It happened so many times before Levi can't even begin to count. And just like always, Levi gets lost in the feeling, the feeling of being able to touch Erwin one more time after a dreadful day.

The kiss lasts for so long that Levi feels breathless when Erwin finally pulls away, the heat in his body nearly overwhelming. Erwin is panting too, his lips parted to make room for his heavy breaths and Levi can't help but lick his own to the sight.

"Levi," Erwin murmurs, warm hands travelling over Levi's shirt. It's ruined now, wet with the dirty water, but Erwin doesn't seem to mind. He keeps rubbing, then slowly start unbuttoning it from the top. He's fast with two hands, even though he's gotten impressively good with one. Still, the sensation of both of Erwin's palms running over Levi's chest, his shoulders to brush off the shirt, makes the situation feel unreal.

"Feels weird, to have it back," Erwin says, maybe thinking the same thing. But he's smiling faintly, accepting the fact while his hands fall down again once Levi's shirt is gone. They fiddle with Levi's belt under the water, undoing it surprisingly fast. Levi huffs out a heavy breath, his hands slippery on the rim of the tub.

"The water is filthy," Levi notes, wrinkling his nose. "So am I."

After returning, Levi was so focused on Erwin he only shed the most filthy part of his clothes, neglecting his own skin with a quick wash-down while he let Erwin sit in the tub for a moment, let the dried dirt soak. Erwin was more important.

"Doesn't matter."

The heat in Erwin's voice makes Levi shudder and the hand that slips into his soaked underwear to palm his cock, takes him off guard. Levi moans, eyes fluttering when he already knows he won't be able to will himself to stop now. It always happens like this and Levi's need for Erwin is suddenly bigger than everything else. _One last time_.

"You shouldn't move too much," Levi objects anyway, but Erwin pulls his stiffening cock out silently, stroking it underneath the layer of milky water that smells too much like cedar wood. Levi feels a little dizzy with the smell when he starts growing hard in Erwin's grip, the movements of his hand, the light pressure of his fingers making it impossible for Levi to focus.

"I'm fine," Erwin finally says, his voice a deep rumble that makes Levi shudder with the unbearable need of having him close. He needs this now more than ever, to feel Erwin's heat pulsing inside him, the blatant reminder that he's alive.

Levi leans forward with that need, unable to deny himself when he kisses Erwin's lips, quick and harsh and undeniably desperate. Erwin breathes into him with similar desire, the hand that's not on Levi's cock brushing his chest to gently tease his nipples. Levi can't quite get used to the feeling for some reason. It's scary in a way he didn't think anything could be. They took so much time to adjust, figured out ways to do things differently, and now it's all for nothing. But despite that, Levi can't deny he's loving it too. He loves how secure Erwin is, how he can hold and stroke him at the same time, how he can force Levi to bend for another kiss while still playing with his cock.

When Erwin eases off Levi's lips with a little peck, Levi is fully hard in his stroking hand, pliant with both exhaustion and desire when Erwin keeps groping him with his free hand. It almost feels as if he wants to make the most of it for a reason Levi doesn't want to think about. And luckily, he doesn't have to for long.

Erwin lets go, rather suddenly, easing his hand off Levi's cock, using his other to steady Levi when he sways to the unsatisfying neglect. But before he can say a word, Levi realises, of course, Erwin is hard too. He's digging into him hard and hot and Levi shivers, eyes cautiously watching Erwin lean over the rim of the tub, reaching for the little basket filled with soaps. Levi put it there like usual and Erwin digs out the little flask of oil like usual. It's always there, for the purpose Erwin intends on using it for. Levi doesn't remember where Erwin got it, but he knows it's somewhat special to be used even in water. The memories that come with the sight, stab Levi's heart.

With the flask in hand, Erwin looks at Levi somewhat impatiently and the fact that he's still wearing half of his clothes only comes back to Levi then. It feels disgusting when he thinks about it, but with his eyes still on Erwin, Levi can't hold the thought for very long. Instead he moves hurriedly to get the wet cloth off and out of the tub, the task proving to be rather difficult and clumsy, but Levi manages.

It's been a long time since Erwin didn't have to fiddle with the flask, but now he doesn't. He can use both hands to open it, can use both hands to pour it over his fingers and can put it away with one while the other dips into the water. Levi adjusts his position automatically, moving his hips so Erwin can reach between his legs. And even though Levi is used to supporting himself, Erwin places a warm hand on his side, stroking when he finds the furl of muscle between Levi's cheeks. Erwin looks up briefly, as if asking for consent and even though Levi finds it a little stupid considering the state he's in, he nods. Erwin nods back and slowly starts rubbing his slick finger over Levi's hole.

Levi closes his eyes to the sensation, his lips parting when Erwin applies more pressure, even moves a hand back to Levi's cock since he can. The sensation nearly makes Levi lose his grip, but in the end he only exhales a strangled moan. Erwin hums deeply to the sound, arousal apparent in his voice and Levi tips his head back because it almost feels like too much.

When Erwin carefully pushes his finger inside, Levi's head falls back forward and he blinks his eyes open to stare at Erwin through the veil of damp hair falling into his face. But he can still see Erwin, can see the blue gaze resting on his face, Erwin memorising his expressions. It makes Levi flush hot and he bites his lip when Erwin starts moving his finger.

After so long, Levi has to pull Erwin's hand away from his cock when a second finger pushes in because he knows if he doesn't, he will come. Erwin is so eager with his hands, touching in all the right places and Levi can't handle it.

"Too much," he tells Erwin in a breathy voice when he holds his wrist in his grip, his body shaking when it feels so good that he can hardly keep his body upright. Erwin looks amazed by the reaction, or maybe it's a memory when he realises this used to happen a lot. Levi can't believe Erwin wouldn't remember, especially now. But it seems Erwin has no intention of pushing his luck, maybe knowing if he does push Levi over the edge now, that will be it. Levi can still feel the exhaustion clinging to his body, but his arousal is more dominant, his need for Erwin greater than the need for rest. Still, Erwin seems to notice, places a hand at Levi's side for more support when he keeps moving his fingers inside, curling and stretching till he can fit a third and even beyond that. But he stops before Levi can tell him to, knows him too well, and judging by the look on his face when Levi spares him a glance, he's too aroused to make extra sure.

Levi smirks to the thought for some reason, finally bending again to kiss Erwin, to breathe in the grin Erwin shoots him in return. But it's a short kiss, heated and impatient and Levi is already grasping for Erwin's cock before their lips part. He finds him when they do, hard and wanton, Erwin's moan escaping into the hot air around them. He tips his head back for a moment, searching for Levi's hips blindly and only looks again when the tip of his cock brushes against Levi.

The aroused focus glinting in Erwin's eyes make Levi shudder and he pauses for a moment, lets the feeling pass before he presses Erwin's cock against his twitching entrance. It gives in with ease when Erwin moans, Levi's body easily accepting the hot flesh. But it still drags at his inner walls, a sweet torture for the both of them when Levi slowly sinks down, Erwin's trembling hands guiding him carefully.

"Fuck." Levi curses when he feels the skin of Erwin's thighs against his ass, warmth spreading in his body when he clenches around the heat inside of him. Erwin groans to the sensation, fingers digging deep into Levi's sides when he obviously tries to stay still. His hips twitch enough for Levi to notice and he grinds down before giving himself a moment to adjust. Erwin groans again, but gives Levi the time he needs, drawing circles on Levi's skin with his thumbs till he starts moving.

For some reason, it's harder than Levi anticipated. His body feels so weak he can hardly seem to lift his hips, but Erwin doesn't seem to mind. He joins Levi's slow rhythm anyway, thrusting up before Levi can sink down again. And it feels amazing like this, the way they move together so easily, the heartbeat of Erwin's thick cock inside, his hands that guide and grope and make Levi feel like this is just a dream. That, finally makes it a little easier to move, though maybe it's just Levi's need to feel more. But he starts moving a little faster, Erwin's hips joining his rhythm easily, water starting to splash over the tub.

Levi feels a little high on the feeling, emotions bubbling up in his body and when he starts so speak, the voice comes as a surprise even for him.

"I'm selfish," he tells Erwin, panting when the words make the feeling of Erwin's pulsing heat inside of him even more apparent. Levi knows he's selfish because he made the choice of saving Erwin because of this too. He saved him because he believes in him, but he also saved him because he didn't want to lose him.

Levi grits his teeth while trying to find his voice to explain, but all he manages is a messy moan when their bodies start moving against each other more frantically. Levi feels numbed by the pleasure, heat coiling in his stomach when Erwin's eyes find his. His face a mess of pleasure when Levi looks at him, eyes glued to Levi's moving body, the heat in his eyes almost sensible. His lips are parted like he wants to answer, but the quickening pace seems to shake Erwin up too, his groan loud and messy when Levi twitches around him.

In the heat of the moment, Levi can't bring himself to try and focus on what he thinks any longer, so he just keeps moving up and down, grip tight on the tub when the water makes everything so slippery. Erwin does the same for a moment, holding Levi tight so he doesn't slip, but he doesn't seem able to resist the temptation of Levi's cock jumping between them. He lets one hand slip from Levi's waist to touch his cock instead. Levi staggers for a moment, his orgasm now tight in his stomach when the short pause gives Erwin the opportunity to wrap his fingers around Levi's shaft. The feeling forces a number of messy curses out of Levi and he nearly slips after all when Erwin starts jerking him off with the rhythm of their hips.

"I know you never believed in the Survey Corps." Erwin finally answers, taking Levi off guard. But Levi is too close to coming as to be able to really focus. He hears the words, but he can't put a thought to them, much less answer. He only moans, muttering Erwin's name breathlessly.

"I know all you ever believed in, is me."

The words hit a spot somewhere inside Levi, but Erwin makes it impossible for him to focus. He keeps thrusting into Levi, his hand relentless on his cock and finally, Levi comes with a shout. Erwin's face blurs in his vision and Levi closes his eyes to the strong feeling, trying to both take Erwin as deep as possible and thrust into his hand to ride it out. And because Erwin doesn't stop, it seems to last forever. He keeps his hand on Levi's cock till he feels dry, pulls him close when Levi's shaking arms give in after all. He makes Levi feel weak in his embrace when he keeps moving inside, thrusting with staggering hips till he groans into Levi's skin and comes.

Levi doesn't know how long they hang there like this, breathing, trying to calm down, but he can easily say he's never felt so vulnerable his entire life. With the heat gone, all the feelings come back, everything that's happened since he and Erwin last spoke to each other in private. Levi trembles with it as well as the fact that the water they're in is cold now. Erwin is still warm though and when he notices Levi's slight shiver, he squeezes him tight in his arms. It still feels odd, but it also feels like home and Levi lets the feeling settle, lets the silence wash over him, trying to sort his roaring thoughts.

"I failed you Erwin," Levi finally chokes out, the guilt of not being able to fulfil his promise stinging from the inside now that he has Erwin close again, now that there's nothing left to distract himself from what he's feeling. He doesn't want to talk about it, but Levi no longer has it in him to bottle this up. He's too full of fear and guilt and anger as to swallow it all down. "I couldn't kill him."

Erwin twitches to the words, his hands curling around Levi's shoulders, breaking the embrace when he pushes him away, but only enough to look at him.

"You saved my life," he says, softly, like he knows it's not enough for Levi, yet wants to console him anyway. But he can't understand. He didn't see what Levi did, can't know how laughable his argument is. It's not fair. Not like this.

"And for what?" Levi's gloomy expression makes Erwin halt, a small breath escaping him. He gives Levi the room to talk and even though he doesn't want to, Levi does.

"The mission failed, there's only a handful of us left. And..." A sting of guilt pierces Levi's chest, something that reminds him that the choice he had was never black and white. "I did not only choose you Erwin, I chose you over someone else."

His own words echo in Levi's mind, his own words that tell him he can only ever do what he thinks is best in a situation. That he doesn't know if another choice would've made a difference. And maybe that's the worst part.

Levi doesn't regret that he chose Erwin.

But he regrets that Armin had to die.

He didn't deserve to die any more than Erwin, but he didn't deserve to live any more than Erwin either. Still, Levi paid a high price for Erwin's beating heart and the knowledge that he would do it again, scares him.

"Levi." After a long silence, Erwin speaks. His eyes are soft when Levi looks at him and he can't stand it, looks away again. Erwin gently cups Levi's cheek, but doesn't force his gaze back.

"I'm sorry," he says, quietly, as if he doesn't want anyone to ever hear it aside from Levi. "But I handed this decision over to you because I trust your judgement. I entrusted you with this because I knew I could. You made that choice for a reason Levi."

_I made the choice to save you, so you could save humanity._

Levi hears his own voice in his head again. And he knows it was the right choice. Erwin has brought them this far. Without him, they never would've gotten close to that mission. But something bugs Levi about this. This bugs him. Him and Erwin, close like this. It's easy to justify saving the Commander of the Survey Corps. But Levi did not only save him. He saved _Erwin_.

"But I'm selfish too," Levi objects, his limbs heavy with exhaustion. He looks into Erwin's eyes and knows, Erwin understands.

"Because part of me saved you because I love you."

"I know." Erwin's smile is soft, his hands gentle when he pulls Levi back into an embrace. "But that's okay. You deserve it Levi. You deserved to make that choice."

Levi breathes out slowly, listens to Erwin's words, his calming breath. He really thought he would never hear it again and though he knew the day would come, he didn't know how utterly unprepared he truly was. When he felt Erwin's breath against his palm after thinking he was dead, his first thought was not about humanity or the Corps. It was about him and Erwin and how, for once, he had the chance to save someone he loved. But what he did, didn't truly save any of them. It only marked the beginning of another end. Things will never be same now. But maybe, that's okay for once.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not dead, yet. I'm back for nsfweruriweek! yey!  
> Actually I'm still unsure about uploading this, I'm really not satisfied with the end of this one, but have it anyway. First I wanted to write a whole different thing of this prompt, but I changed my mind half-way through when this idea came over me.  
> Someone mentioned on twitter how perfect the eruri-week was set after ch. 83, so I put my ch. 83 feels into this one, at least part of it  
> also, I'm hoping to finish another story for this week, guess which prompt huehue
> 
> Anyway, as always feel free to check my [tumblr](http://pinkjasmink.tumblr.com) maybe say hi :3  
> Thanks for reading <3   
> and see you soon hopefully!


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